I Won't Raise My Daughters To Become Wives

Or, even mothers.

We’re sold the illusion of a fairytale love, right from the get go.

We’re taught how a man will come into our lives just to save us. I’m still trying to figure out; To save us from what?

I was so hell bent on having my happily ever after, that I married by twenty. I wasn’t even in love. But when I met my second husband, I was so desperate to keep him by my side, I married him just two months after the end of my eight month marriage came to its end. He left not two months later. You’d think my parents would’ve pulled me aside to help guide me in some way, shape or form. Maybe someone could’ve shaken some sense into me. But the sad reality was, I was taught you grow up, “wear the white dress for a reason”, then live happily ever after. And, damn it— if I wasn’t hell bent on doing just that.

Fast forward twenty-one years, and here I am, finally understanding the toxicity of patriarchal society. So, no. I will not raise my two girls to become wives and bear children. If that’s what their hearts desire becomes one day, I will give my blessing and do my damndest to help guide them in any way they might need, because that’s what a parent does. We nurture, nurse, guide and provide.

Women are taught to be the submissive wife, nurse, psychologist, and household appliances— just, all of them. Most of us give up our ambitions and secondary dreams, after marriage, of course, because somehow, becoming a mans wife, then bearing and rearing his children is meant to be some golden ticket, while a man is meant to provide for the family. I’m lucky, by the third marriage, I did happen to stumble upon a young man who wanted all of the same, but his stunted emotional growth, no doubt, withheld from his own parents who led a sad marriage, kept him from being about to connect. It’s been on hell of a road to healing for the both of us.

So, I will raise my daughter to aspire for their hearts desires, and to never give up their dreams, or to bank their futures on a man— or, a woman. And, to be honest? I’d really like a refund.

Photo of myself and my niece, when I was twenty, circa 2001.